news

I felt so lucky this week, I bought a lottery ticket. We met with John’s Doctor before his chemo infusion on Wednesday. As she reviewed his recent PET scan, she noted the metastasis’ on his bones along the spine were no longer showing up on the scan. Additionally, he had no new growth and the tumor in his lung is ‘quiet’. I think we both had the same deer in the headlights, shocked look as we did when he originally was diagnosed. I can attest to experiencing a dissonance of sorts. Sometimes, good news is as disorienting and hard to wrap my brain around as other news. In fact, after a day of basking in this news, John wakes up on Thursday morning and asks me, “now what does all that mean?”.

On the one hand, this is GREAT and fabulous news. This means the chemo is doing its job. Right now, John has fewer active C________ cells rummaging through his otherwise healthy body. This news fully aligns with how he has appeared to look like he’s been feeling better lately.

On the other hand, his tumor is still present. The bronchial pathology reports came back with an Adenocarcinoma confirmation and an ALK mutation. This type of mutation rearrangement is present in 5-7% of lung cancer warriors, who are typically younger individuals with no to little smoking histories. John’s Doctor wants to begin CT scans in a few weeks to calibrate and measure the tumor, thus monitoring it for depletion or growth. The genetic mutation opens up some future treatment options. I’m cautiously optimistic….

I know his lung still harbors the C_____ word.  Yet, there is a part of me that is turning cartwheels of joy at this awesome news. I’ll ride this wave of good news as long as I can. And seriously, John’s looking and feeling (relatively) good could not have come at a better time – we have packing and moving to do!

Waaay too much going on

I’d like to tell it to go away and come back… never, as if Cancer considers it’s timing. I have had winters of discontent, and this has most definitely been a summer of discontent. In addition to maintaining a full time job, taking on two extra teaching assignments this summer and taking my last set of scheduled courses toward a Doctorate degree, we’ve also been managing this new thing.

In some ways the extra work is a welcome distraction. Unfortunately, I’m not doing a very good job of anything right now.

Each day is a new day and every day I wake up determined to take today for what it is. However, at times, the stress has felt unbearable. I bark at my children, I’m frustrated at work, and every other word coming out of my mouth sounds like a swear word. Nothing feels productive and yet, I’m busy all the time.

It’s a very strange dissonance to know I should have some sort of ‘feelings’ about this and have neither the time nor the inclination to ponder this concept. I wonder if there is a part of me who thinks if I’m not emotionally impacted, then maybe it isn’t really happening.

stupid questions

Over the past few weeks I’ve started a list of stupid questions people ask me. I can’t help but to share these questions with those who might be interested…

at 3am in the morning on the phone with the advice nurse;

“do you have a blood pressure cuff?”… ummm, what do I say?

“Am I supposed to have a blood pressure cuff? Is this a standard medical thing one own’s like a thermometer? Would I know how to use one if I had one?”.

How about this one at 4am in the morning on the phone with the advice nurse,

“do you have any prune juice?”

How old do you think I am??? I’m NOT even 50 yet, why would I keep prune juice on hand? NO, but we do have a 24 hour open walmart close by, “could you hold for 20 minutes while I go get some?”.

“Did he smoke?” I don’t give a shit if he smoked or not. Half the people out there with lung cancer never smoked.

How about this question to John (from medical providers). “Do you have any pain?”… I can see the naughty glint in his eye when he’s asked this question and I know how he wants to respond, “Let’s see, I have cancer. I’m getting chemo. I’m almost 50 years old… when am I NOT in pain dumbass?”.